When it comes to “struggle-busing” I am not, nor will I ever be, the exception. I, like many, have struggled with everything from schooling to eating problems to not knowing what to wear. With that said, I know that there is one major thing that has made a major impact on my life and how I perceive everything; mental illness.
Bear with me while I try to explain. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for far longer than the two years I’ve been diagnosed. I would say that it really started for me when I was super young; like four or five years old. I met someone who changed my life in so many different ways. They changed how I thought about myself. They changed what I thought about those around me, and what those around me may or may not say about my life, the way I live, or the way I act.
It was in those defining moments in my early childhood that I started to disengage from the confident, spunky, ostentatious person I had been to the restrained, cautious, calculating person I am today. I go through every day with a multitude of diagnoses including major depression, major anxiety, minor post-traumatic stress, and panic disorder with a very slight issue with obsessive-compulsive as well.
I do have to say this, though. It may be a battle, but I’m not struggling. Struggling to me means barely able to stay afloat in the sea that is life. I don’t think I’m “struggling” per say. I think I’m winning. I’ve faced my demons, and while battling them I am over-coming them; little by little.
I have been blessed with such an amazing support system. It’s no surprise that I am able to swim through the sea of life because with the people I have around me I have the power to overcome the obstacles set before me. My fiance is the one who convinced me to finally step foot into a doctor’s office and ask for help. Beforehand, I had trembled at the thought of what he might think of me (go figure, chalk that up to anxiety), but when I had tears in my eyes because I was so ridden with anxiety over a particular event he told me that it was okay. Knowing I had the support of a person I loved and trusted wholeheartedly was overwhelmingly encouraging.
I’m getting better day by day. That, alone, makes me so happy because there was a point in my life that I truly thought I would never see the sunshine in life again. Don’t get me wrong; there are still days where the battle wears down on me, but the good days outnumber the bad ones drastically now. I’m so thankful for that.
So to those of you who are at the front line of the battle know you’re not alone. You have people out there that are willing to talk. I’m one of them. If you need help, please contact me. I will do my damnedest to ensure you that life has it’s beauty even in a battlefield.
And to those that have given me the support and encouragement that I’ve needed my whole life; there are no words that could ever express the gratitude I have for each and every one of you. The days of darkness are few and far between because of your love. I sincerely don’t know what I’d do, or would have done, without you all in my life. You know who you are. ♥